Interview with a Southern Sister and White Mister

Mr. and Mrs. A have been happily married for over 10 years. Read their story, struggles and advice below in this exclusive interview.

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How did you and your husband meet?

Him: The first time I saw her I thought she was amazing and way out of my league so at first I didn’t even try. But later on I moved in with one of her friends who was dating one of my friends and once we got to talking I felt very comfortable with her. She was smart and in school. She was funny and very beautiful. I felt pretty fortunate at the time just to know her.

Have you always been attracted to white men?

Her: Yes, I haven’t dated a huge variety of men though because my husband and I were young when we started dating at ages 19 and 20.

Has he always been attracted to black women?

Him: I have always been attracted to most all women. I don’t really remember race ever factoring in that decision, but my wife was the first biracial women I ever dated. 

What difficulties have you had to face as an interracial couple?

Him: Several of my family members had real issues.  I stopped speaking to one of them and never was able to reconcile with him before his death. The fact that we didn’t end on good terms has seemed to upset other members in my family. They don’t understand that he never loved me or he would have been happy I found love in such a loveless world. The rest of my grandparents did eventually accept our union, maybe reluctantly, but they did just the same. That has been the hardest and most personal part of this journey for me. A man that played a key part of my life and for a time was like a father to me turned his back on me and it broke my heart and it still hurts to this day. But I have no regrets. The hate in my family tree ends with him. I thank God for the opportunity and will actively pursue this goal as long as I am breathing.

Her: The harder parts were being on the same page about bad things that happened more than the bad things themselves. We have to work at understanding each other’s perspectives.  For instance in terms of family, sometimes it hurt his feelings when I didn’t want to attend a family event of his.  He didn’t realize how uncomfortable I was feeling while there until I explained, and I didn’t understand how important it was to him that I be with him.

Sometimes, something happens and one of us isn’t affected at all while the other is more offended, so when that happens, we try to talk about it instead of saying something hurtful like, “I wish you’d get over that” or “you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.”

  

What is it like to be a black woman/white man couple in the South?

It is hard for us to compare because we haven’t lived anywhere else as a couple. For us, this is home, and we are used to it.  In general, we are cautious when visiting areas we don’t know, particularly rural areas. This is not because we fear being physically harmed (we do not think it is dangerous to live here), but because it is not fun being stared at or pointed at. Mostly, it’s just unfriendliness we might experience but just the same, we prefer to avoid it if possible.

What is it like having a mixed race daughter?

Him: It’s wonderful, I have so much to learn about children and girls and racial identity issues; it’s so freaking complicated. I lean heavily on my wife, maybe a bit too much so.

Her: Being biracial myself, I thought it would be no trouble at all, but I’ve been proven wrong. Strangers sometimes ask me if she is even my daughter, which is both hurtful and angering because I don’t appreciate people questioning my relationship to my family, especially my child I carried in my womb for nine months, but luckily, this only annoys me, and doesn’t have too much of an effect on her.  I try to remain very cognizant of her environment, and I keep in touch with friends, read books, and seek knowledge from families similar to ours. I just want to make sure I’m doing everything possible to raise a healthy and happy child.

Do you ever think that interracial unions shouldn’t exist because of the effect it will have on the children?

We think that’s a ludicrous argument.  In fact, it could be argued that multiracial children would help bridge gaps and bring more people together therefore bringing about a more peaceful existence.

What words of advice can you pass on to other interracial couples of your race/gender?

Him:  What took me forever to understand is how race factors into the very fabric of my wife’s existence. She has been the “black kid” since the beginning of her life. She was never given the time to find her humanity before she was confronted with her skin tone. It is hard for me to even comprehend what that must have been like for a child. It just isn’t fair that in the eyes of most, she was the black kid before she was an American. She was the black kid before she was considered a woman. She was the black kid before she was a human. Thus, race is always a consideration, especially subconsciously. 

So, husbands have to understand that skin color is just a fact. It isn’t an excuse or a reason. It’s just a fact, and that has to be considered in many decisions you make as a couple. 

Her: Always communicate and explain. Don’t assume he’ll always understand everything that happens. Even though he may “get it,” he doesn’t live in brown skin, so that means he will not automatically understand when I come home upset about an ignorant comment or some other related problem.

Is your marriage just like anyone else’s? How so?

Mostly, yes. In some ways it is easier and in some ways harder. Perhaps the easier parts are because of our emphasis on communicating with one another.  

Interviewed by Shannon